My Memories
by HoneyColoured
Summary: Marceline, I'm so sorry. You're just a young girl and you have to go through all of this. I need to save you from all of this, help you get through this. I try my best, but when your asleep I think to myself. I need to save you, but who's going to save me? I'm loseing myself and I don't want you to lose me too. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
1. The day I met you

Dear Marceline

The first time I saw you, you were all alone and crying. I wiped your tears and went to a nearby toy store that had fallen apart. I picked out a toy for you, one that had no rips or holes. And when I gave it to you, a little smile came in return. You loved that little bear so much and decided to name him Hambo. Such a young girl having to go through that, thinking of it makes my heart ache. You're a sweet girl and I know that it's hard for you, but please. Please be strong and maybe I can be too.

Today we left the city I found you in. I hope the next one won't be the same, but I know I'm just entertaining hopes. You've often had to call out to me, I don't mean to give you such difficulty. I just can't keep myself at times. I'm so sorry, Marceline. I'm so sorry, but please forgive me. I'm only surviving because of this magic crown, but it's slowly taking my mind in return. I wanted you to know that I'm not always going to be able to be with you, but not now. Not now. I need more time, just a little more time.

You're sleeping next to me right now, you're so cute. I wish I can just stay with you forever, watch you grow into a fine woman. It's so amazing how you can smile everyday, how you can be happy. You already know, don't you? You're a very smart girl and you've probably figured out this much, that I'm not going to be able to stay forever. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Marceline. My mind won't be able to stay in one piece. To stay with you forever


	2. What I can't hide forever

Dear Marceline

We've been walking for about two day's now. We haven't come across anyone else, but we keep looking. I try to look for people by myself. Keep the horrible sights to myself. The bodies that I find, from your young eye's. It's so terrible to see all of these corpses and know that I'm still alive, but I can at least keep you safe from the trauma. No child, or anyone, should have to look at a corpse and know that it's not the only one.

The crown that bounces at my hip. You asked about it, why did I have it? I told you it was the only thing that kept me here, kept me alive. You didn't ask again after that. The one thing that lets me stay, is the very same thing that's tearing me away. The voices that reside inside of it, tell me to give in. To let them give me power over the ice, but they lie to me. Over and over again. If I give in, I'll forget, and if I forget. You'll be all alone again.

We stopped by a farm, it was mostly destroyed and burned down. I asked you to go look in the fields to see if we could get some edible food while I looked in the farmers house and the collapsed barn. I searched the barn and found dead animals that were still in their pens, it was revolting. I looked through the snapped boards that might have been the roof, looking for anything useful. After coming up with nothing, the house came next. I took necessary supplies, some cans of food, matches, a first-aid kit that had been in a drawer, and two thin blankets. I headed up stairs and opened a room to see a few bodies. A mother and a father with a baby in the mothers limp arms.

You came in through the front door and called out to me, running up the stairs after looking around. I tried my best to quickly shut the door, but you were too fast for me and my old age. You had seen through the crack of the door and what was behind it. You cried, staring at the door with wide terrified eye's. I lifted you up into my arms and carried you outside, holding you close while your arms wrapped around my neck. So many things a little girl sees in her life, a corpse shouldn't be one of them.

We stopped for the night and made a camp fire, laying out the bed rolls and blankets. You couldn't get to sleep and asked me to stay by your side until you did. I sat there for hours waiting for you to fall asleep, telling you stories I read in books when I was young. You finally fell asleep after my fifth story. You were so strong, so happy, so hopeful. I'm so sorry I can't keep you from the cruelty of our broken world. The world we used to call home. The one we thought of as safe.


	3. To keep you sane

Dear Marceline

Today was horrible. We had to walk through a crowded highway, I had to cover your eye's. For fear that you'd be so much more traumatized than you already were. I carried you through the wreckage. There were so many fires, bodies, and so much blood. The foul smell of burning flesh filled the air, you asked me what it was. I told you it was nothing and that you shouldn't worry about it. I walked with you in my arms until the last car was just a toy on the horizon, my arms just about giving in and my legs a bit sore. You only smiled and we kept walking hand in hand.

I've been taking pictures of us with a camera I found. Some came out messy, but most looked great. I caught one really good one of your smile, you're the sweetest little girl Marceline. We took some with both of us, most ended up a little crooked. It's okay though. I try not to get too many of the scenery in them. The broken windows of shops, the crumbling buildings, the wreckage of the world.

You have become so close in my heart little Marceline, it breaks when I think about what is to come. I'm breaking inside bit by bit. I'm having mini black outs, I don't remember what happens in-between them. They seem to be only a few seconds or so, just enough for little actions, like standing up or taking a step forward or two. I fear that these will soon grow, becoming a few minutes rather than a few seconds. I can't help, but think about what I might do. What will I say to you? What will I do in those few minutes? Please Marceline, I'll try my best. Just believe me when I tell you I didn't mean it


	4. Nightmares

Dear Marceline

The blanks in my memory are getting worse. I'm farther away then I usually am when I walk, it must have grown a few seconds or so. You shook me one time, asking me what I said. I didn't remember saying anything so I told you it was nothing. I don't know what I'm going to say next, or what I'm going to do an it scares me so much. It scares me to think that I might do something to hurt you.

We arrived at another wreaked city. No sign of life, as was expected. We let ourselves settle into a grocery store, after I had checked to make sure there was no bodies inside. You played with Hambo while I made us a small fire with some boxes. You sang, making your voice deep to show that Hambo was singing with you. I sat down after gathering some food that was still edible, you ate and sang. I laughed and told you to do one or the other. You had to stop and think about it for a moment before choosing to eat quickly so you could continue singing. I soon tucked you in to the make-shift bed you had been using, kissing you on the cheek and saying good night.

You had a nightmare and woke up, crying out for me. You told me that I had gone off somewhere, leaving you and Hambo behind. You cried and cried in my arms, giving you comfort. You fell asleep and I tucked you in after getting you back to bed, but then I went and cried myself. I was going to have to leave you some day, some day I was going to forget. I would forget and leave you, I don't want that. I feel like I can't do much more that apologize. As if that would some how fix things, fix what cannot be fixed with only words. I'm so sorry, Marceline. You're still just a child, yet you already carry so many burdens.


	5. My little Princess

Dear Marceline

The blanks have gotten worse. Yesterday, we found a bike. It was one that had the little seat in the back and you could fit snugly in it. We rode it for a while, but then it flashed over me. We were suddenly on the ground, the bike was in pieces and it took a moment before I saw what happened to you. You were crying a few paces away, clutching your knees against your chest. You had a few bruises and some scrapes and fresh tears ran down your face. I rushed over to you, cradling you in my arms and apologizing. I decided that we shouldn't do something so stupid like that ever again. Not if I'm just going to end up hurting you.

I'm also hearing _them_ much more clearly. The voices that dwell in the crown. They whisper and call out. I can only hold onto your small hand while we walk, keeping them out off my head for as long as I can. I can feel them pulling at my mind, making holes they can dig into so that I will fall into the power. The power I never wanted. The power that's the only thing keeping me with you. The power that's taking me away from you.

We've walked quite a bit farther, leaving both our homes behind us. As much as it hurts to think about it, I still think about her. Betty, my princess. What is she doing now? Is she still alive, or could she have gone with everyone else? I miss her some what, but not as much anymore. I try to keep you closer to my heart, closer than Betty was. Your my little princess now, Marceline. I'll do my best to protect you. As a king would protect his princess. As a father would protect his daughter.


	6. The happy times that are so few

Dear Marceline

We started to sing today. Just silly lyrics as we walked. Humming and little mumbles that meant nothing, or notes that might have been a song at some point. Your voice was beautiful, Marcy. A happy little chirp that was filled with joy, one that was just right for a cute little girl such as yourself. We sang songs, made lyrics, hummed little tunes, and danced together. I was happy, happy to live in the moment. Happy to forget everything else. Everything except my time with you.

The blanks haven't been that bad today. I've somehow kept myself from saying anything when it happens, I can't say I know how. I know that I'm slipping, but I can't stop trying to keep myself sane. I can't stop trying, fighting. Finding my way out of the growing labyrinth that I once called my mind. I already know I can't leave. I can't escape, because I've let it keep me alive and it takes my mind instead. I will only help you survive while I still remember you. Little Marceline.

Everything has been so difficult, you're such a strong girl. You've kept going even after everything that's happened. The loss of your mother, the run away father, the loneliness and hurt I found you in. You keep trying to hide it with a smile. A smile that makes you cry at night, one that has you clutching to me for comfort, the one that refuses to give in. I'm so sorry, that you have to keep that smile up. To keep it up for me, and to stop the apologies. You tell me it's not my fault, but I still think otherwise


	7. When I forget

Dear Marceline

A terrible thing happened today, way worse than before. The blank was way longer this time and by the time I snapped out of it, you weren't there. I called out to you frantically and felt my heart break even more when you came running up to me from around a far away corner. You were crying and your knee was scraped, you ran to me and wrapped your arms around me. You told me I started walking after we made camp and when you tried to ask where I was going, I didn't answer. I walked away and you tried to follow, but I was too fast and you fell trying to keep up. I held you close, just about on the brink of tears myself. I sang to you, little pieces of a song I wrote as a lullaby. You fell asleep crying, holding onto my coat so tightly because you were so afraid. That the one who found you will also abandon you.

I'm so sorry Marceline. My little Marceline. You need to be loved, but what can I do when I'm losing myself and when I'm afraid you're going to lose me too? I need to be here with you. i don' know what to do, other than just be here with you for as long as I can keep what's left of my mind. I know I have to face reality, but I don't want you to have to face it so soon. Not when you're still so young. Not when you're just a little girl, Marceline. When I love you so much. When I hold you so close to my heart. The place where Betty had moved out of. Where you fade. I'm so sorry, Marceline. I'm so sorry


	8. Leaving what I love behind

Dear Marceline

I've started to teach you basic survival skills. How to start a fire, how to scavenge for food, how to keep safe, and first aid. You'll be needing them, I won't be able to help you with these things. When I leave, I want you to know I'm only doing it to protect you. I'm not going to be the man I am now. Not for much longer.

You ripped Hambo today. It was an accident, of course, but you cried about the tear in the side of his belly. I pulled out a needle and a patch of cloth. I showed you what to do to fix him up and you smiled when his "Surgery" was finished. You kissed him and danced with him, apologizing to him and thanking me. You love that bear so much. I hope he can stay with you much longer than I can. Longer than my sanity can last.

We've stopped in a city that was more stable than the one I found you in and this is the one I will leave you in. I can't hold on for much longer. The voices are digging deeper, erasing my mind. I've already told you that I can't stay with you for much longer. You cried a bit. I asked you to be strong even though it's hard, to be strong enough for the both of us. So that I know that I can rest easy knowing that you'll grow into a fine woman. I started sleeping with you, holding you close at night when you were going to sleep. I let you know that I was there and I was only going to leave when it was absolutely necessary. Only when I know I will hurt you if I stay. I don't want to hurt you. The daughter I never had. My little Marceline. My little Princess.

I'm so sorry Marceline. I don't want to hurt you. I want you to be safe. I want to save you, but what happens when I'm the one you need to be saved from? I want to keep you in my arms forever. Stop my mind from slipping away. Stop myself from forgetting everything. From forgetting you. My Marceline. My sweet little girl. I'm so sorry. Forgive me, please. Please forgive me for what ever I do. When I don't remember you


	9. Who's Marceline?

Dear Marceline

I've been using articles and every scrap paper I can find to write these with. I've even had to use the photo of you I had. I'm going to give these to you, so you know. Know what it was like for me to be with you from the time I found you to the time I had to leave you. The happiness, the sadness, the struggles and your strength. I wouldn't change any of it. You have grown so much, you're up to my chest now in height. You were so small when we first met. I needed to save you. To help you. Love you. I have, and I always will. Even when I don't remember you with my mind. I know you'll never leave my heart.

_Is it just you and me in the wreckage of the world?_ I'm so sorry. _That must be so confusing for a little girl._ I'm so sorry Marceline._ And I know you're going to need me here with you, but I'm losing myself and I'm afraid you're going to lose me too._ Please don't be scared. _This magic keeps me alive, but it's making me crazy and I need to save you, but who's going to save me?_ I'm so afraid._ Please forgive me for what ever I do, when I don't remember you._ I'm afraid that I'll hurt you. _Marceline._ Hurt my princess._ I can feel myself slipping away._ Hurt my daughter. _I can't remember what it made me say, but I remember that I saw you frown._ Hurt my little Marceline._ I swear it wasn't me, it was the crown._ Please don't be sad. _This magic keeps me alive, but it's making me crazy._ Please don't cry. _And I need to save you, but who's going to save me._ Be strong. _Please forgive me for what ever I do._ Little Marceline. _When I don't remember you._ Be strong for me.

There was another blank in my memory. You stood in front of me when I caught myself. You looked a little sad, but you didn't cry. You simply asked me, "You need to leave?" I gave you a weak smile and nodded. Tears ran down your face, but you didn't make a sound. You were being strong as you nodded and hugged Hambo as I handed him to you. "You'll forget, won't you." I frowned and gave you a small nod. You gave me a good-bye hug and went off into the city to a house we prepared for you to stay in for a while. I know you'll grow into a beautiful queen, because you were my strong little princess. I wish I could say I'll miss you. But frankly. I don' know if I'll remember you long enough to miss someone I've never met. Never known. Never remembered. I don't want to forget. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry Marceline. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Sorry for what? I can't remember. Who's Marceline again


End file.
